Had to increase my intake. I was so dizzy yesterday, because I burned more than I ate. I've lost nearly 15 pounds in a week. That's dangerous. So, I ate 305 for breakfast so far (ah I know!) But that was just an egg, a banana, an orange, and a few almonds. No biggy. Besides, I eat the most in the morning anyway! My lunch consists of an apple and my dinner consists of... (unknown)
Why did I eat so much? My dad caught me eating just one egg and got pissed. He told me to eat a orange and a banana, so I did. He says we cant afford to hospitalize me.
I'll burn my breakfast off when I get home from testing.
I was woken at 5:30 to my dad storming into my room to find the dogs leash. ...I don't quite understand why... After about 20 minutes I managed to get back to sleep, only to be woken AGAIN by my sister who was looking for a calculator... on a Saturday morning... at 7 am...
That was a lovely awakening.
And, because I am still sick, I couldn't get back to sleep.
Well, later, my mom took my sister and I shopping. Because I haven't been clothes shopping since I was 145lb, everything was too big on me and my shorts refused to stay up. My sister snapped at me, calling me "disgustingly thin".
There is nothing disgusting about being thin. Being thin is being able to have the willpower to control your image.
I personally think that bones are b e a u t i f u l .
After shopping and buying foods that I am positive I will never eat, I went home and swam. It felt good, but my best friends mom was staring at me the whole time. After I did about a mile and a half, (woot!) we went inside, where my friends mom took a look at me and shoved a rice cracker in my face and told me to try it. About 4 other people were speculating so I reluctantly ate it.
Again, I don't understand why people think that forcing someone to eat will 'cure' their eating disorder...
When I got home, I realised that someone had eaten my spinach... And I cried, because I knew that my dinner was gone, and that I wouldn't eat tonight.
Do any of you ever get emotional about food if something doesn't go right?
In other news, My calorie sum was less than 400 again today, and I think I have finally reached the 120's...
To liven up this entry, here are three random facts:
-My mom and grandma are clinically obese.
-I have 4 pet turtles.
-I love paranormal shows; Ghost Adventures and The Haunted are AWESOME.
Today has been okay. Intake was less than 400 forsure...
And I did hardcore treading for abour 45 minutes.
My sister made pizza for dinner. I was planning on just eating a cup of blueberries... So, when the pizza was ready, I cut a piece and threw it away. Then sat down and continued what I was doing. My sister believed that I ate a peice. About 20 minutes later I sat down with my sister and dad. They were both staring at me. I ignored them. Then my sister said, "You need to eat that last peice of pizza. You look like you are starving.", to which my dad agreed. I shook my head and insisted I was full. They didn't let up, and told me to eat a apple, (which I secretly didn't finish.) At least thats better than eating a 370 cal peice of pizza. *shudders*
But it bothers me how people think that an eating disorder can be resolved by forcing someone to eat. It's not about food. It was never about food. In fact, it's quite the opposite.
I want control.
Coz want to be able to decide my own fate...
I don't want to be a puppet any longer...
Maybe this control will make me stronger.
Well, not much else is new... sorry for the boring entry.
Ate too much. At least all of it was healthy or high in fiber. I purged once, but since I'm sick, I nearly passed out. Not a good idea...
Being sick sucks... Most boring day of my life.
I'll make a recovery. I can do this. My plateau has been 130 for two weeks and goddammit I'm going to break it!
But I feel bad. My boyfriend really wanted to see a play with me today. But I was sick... And I didn't even return his phonecall. I haven't spent time with him in over 2 1/2 weeks, so now I feel like a shitty girlfriend. Uhg.
Oh yeah, and I tried on my prom dress tonight. It looks good on me.
They are, by far, the most disgusting cough drops I have ever tasted. After eating one, I still have that horrid aftertaste, and I resist any bingeing. It's AMAZING. This works especially well if you are sick like me.
Why am I sick?
From swimming in 40 degree water for almost an hour...
Well, anyway, when you are home sick, aren't you always tempted to binge? I was downstairs, just sitting there, surrounded by food... and it's not like I have anything to do... So, after trying to have a healthy breakfast, (egg and a eggwhite, apple, strawberry, and 3 almonds) I nearly binged, but popped a HALLS in my mouth and everything was cool.
Anyway, just thought that I would share this epiphany with the world.
I hate when people stare at my chest all class long...
But I LOVE bones.
My clothes seem bigger. My sister noticed that her shorts are now too big for me, when we were the same size about a month ago. Not good... The problem is... I don't feel any lighter, nor do I look any better. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Well, I swim (hardcore treading) an average of 60-120 minutes a day and eat 100 cal meals 3 times a day along with fruity/vegetably treats. I'd say I maxed out at about 420 today... but on the other hand, I burned about that much.
Last night I had a terrifying dream. I was being attacked by little skeletal beasts. I jolted awake at 6:50 and couldn't get back to sleep. I cried a little. Checked the scale and I'm at 130 again. I think. My scale isn't very reliable anymore. I need to look at myself...Where ever I go, I see myself walking in the reflection of the glass. I pick out every flaw. Every portion of fat. My mangled stomach and prominent ribs/hips. I hate my cankles. I have a fat head/neck. Then I move along, keeping that horrible image in my head. Am I the only person who does that? I also stare at legs when I walk in the hallway, comparing sizes to my own. I'll look at someone and say in my head, "I'm fatter than her." Then I continue forward with a dark look on my face. My boyfriend says it looks like I hate myself.
I hate my sister. We were eating dinner and she was watching me like a hawk. So I went to the bathroom to wait until she left. As I sat there in silence, I heard her and my dad: "She thinks shes fat." "She's going anorexic." As if I were deaf. But sure enough they left, and I proceeded to throw my dinner away. Five minutes later she came down again, yelling at me for not eating enough. She knew that I threw it away. She knows that I hate myself...
My sister worries. My friends ask questions. I use that as an excuse to eat. I gain six pounds. All my hard work. My blood, sweat, and tears. Gone, in my own self pity. I will return. I will reach my goal. Even if it kills me. Because if I cant feel my spine stabbing into the chair as I sit, or my collarbone potruding from my chest...