Tuesday, November 27, 2012

It's quite nostalgic, being here again.
A lot has happened, but none of that really matters I suppose.
All that matters is that I'm back where I was.
But fatter.
After being admitted at 102, I began recovery.
I don't even want to check the scales.
In any case, I am going to go down this path again.
Wish me luck.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

i cant do this anymore.
i cant stop throwing up.
i cant stop counting calories.
i cant stop checking my scale...

i am forced to drink nutrition shakes in front of my dad twice a day.
he sniffs the toilet every time i use the restroom to make sure i dont throw up.
i am in hell.

i weigh 115lbs now.

i feel like a fat ass though...

i hate myself now.
i hate this obsession...
i'd rather be dead.
i cant carry out a single fucking conversation with my family without talk of my fucking disorder.

i'm going to the doctor next monday.
there, my dad is sending me to a nutritionist and a therapist.
they cant help me.
no one can...

someone... please help me...

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I hate her.
She always watches me eat.
I trick her, but she is so fucking annoying.
I wish she would just move out already.
Altogether crappy day.
Tomorrow's Easter UGGGH.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Good day. I think.
I want new clothes.
Any of you having the "too-big" crisis?
All of my shorts are currently falling to my ankles.
I hate it, but love it all the same.  

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

If you are reading this...

then you are beautiful.

Today I thought about my best friend...

She used to always come up to me and tell me "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" and hug me in her fragile little arms. 

I had never even thought about eating disorders then.

She made me feel PRETTY.

God, you better treat her her like a fucking princess.

Cuz the world needs more people who aren't afraid to tell someone that they are 


Now that she's gone;

- I miss the days when two simple words were all it took to make me happy.
- I wish I could have told her that she was beautiful.
- I wish I could have been as pure and sweet as she had been...

 I guess you never really know what you've got til it's gone. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Today has been okay.

I think.
Green Tea & a small bowl of cereal. 
*didn't actually eat most of the cereal. flushed it.
A banana & more tea.
*couldn't finish the banana.
A delicious egg white & spinach salad w/ light raspberry vinegrette. Mmmm.
*about a cup.
2 mints.

Intense Just Sweat Program on Just Dance.
*2000+ sweat points. that's a little over 400 cal. 
15 minutes of treading. Then it started hailing...

annnd I'm getting ready to go do my ab workouts.
Then have some tea...

Monday, April 18, 2011

I'm doing better. Sorry for the recent posts!

I have found a new obsession with brewing some good ol' natural Green Tea. It increases my metabolism and is 0 cal! Love It.

Shedding off the lbs I gained during recovery. I'll be back soon!
Now, I need a plan to get down to 120...

I guess staying below 400 a day will get me there, considering I do at least 30-60 minutes of cardio on weekdays...

So, my days will go like this:

Breakfast: Green Tea and a fruit or an egg. Maybe a healthy bowl a cereal. Yummy. (70-120 cal)
Lunch: Fruit. Don't really have a choice there. (80-100 cal)
After school: More Green Tea~ (0 cal)
Dinner: 1/2 a can of tuna. I love tuna. And maybe some Spinach. (80-140 cal? Not sure...)
Then more tea. (0) 

3-5 laps across my lake = 30-60 minutes of treading.
45 minute bike ride.
45 minute jog.
Something else. XD 
(ab workouts) 
50-100 crunches.
25-50 reverse sit ups.
60-120 seconds of plank.
60 seconds of superman.
30 ab thrusts.
60 seconds of wall-sits. (I hate these. Hurt like a mother!) 

This is just my little plan... Yes, it does sound nutrient deficient, but I am taking supplements to make sure that I get everything! 
So, If you have any suggestions, please, do tell!