HALLS is my new best friend. 

They are, by far, the most disgusting cough drops I have ever tasted. After eating one, I still have that horrid aftertaste, and I resist any bingeing. It's AMAZING. This works especially well if you are sick like me.

Why am I sick? 

From swimming in 40 degree water for almost an hour...

Well, anyway, when you are home sick, aren't you always tempted to binge? I was downstairs, just sitting there, surrounded by food... and it's not like I have anything to do... So, after trying to have a healthy breakfast, (egg and a eggwhite, apple, strawberry, and 3 almonds) I nearly binged, but popped a HALLS in my mouth and everything was cool.

Anyway, just thought that I would share this epiphany with the world.

Have a nice day. <3

 

I hate being sick. 

I hate coughing in church during silent prayer. 

I hate when people touch my ears. 

I hate when people stare at my chest all class long... 

But I LOVE bones. 

My clothes seem bigger. My sister noticed that her shorts are now too big for me, when we were the same size about a month ago. Not good... The problem is... I don't feel any lighter, nor do I look any better. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Well, I swim (hardcore treading) an average of 60-120 minutes a day and eat 100 cal meals 3 times a day along with fruity/vegetably treats. I'd say I maxed out at about 420 today... but on the other hand, I burned about that much.

I can't wait till I see results ! 

Last night I had a terrifying dream. I was being attacked by little skeletal beasts. I jolted awake at 6:50 and couldn't get back to sleep. I cried a little. Checked the scale and I'm at 130 again. I think. My scale isn't very reliable anymore. I need to look at myself...Where ever I go, I see myself walking in the reflection of the glass. I pick out every flaw. Every portion of fat. My mangled stomach and prominent ribs/hips. I hate my cankles. I have a fat head/neck. Then I move along, keeping that horrible image in my head. Am I the only person who does that? I also stare at legs when I walk in the hallway, comparing sizes to my own. I'll look at someone and say in my head, "I'm fatter than her." Then I continue forward with a dark look on my face. My boyfriend says it looks like I hate myself. 

He got me spot on.

In fact, it's a little depressing. 

I don't even remember what I ate today, so I am going to list it here...

breakfast:

• 1 egg and a egg white
• 2 almonds
• 4 carrots
• 1 strawberry

lunch:

• 1 apple 
• 1 strawberry
• 4 carrots
• (well this isn't actually at once, just throughout the day) 4 cough drops, a mint, and a stick of gum 

dinner:

• salad with rasberry walnut vinegret and croutons
• 2 almonds
• banana 

Not exactly proud for eating so much... but did over an hour of swimming... so thats not too bad, considering I have small portion sizes.

I just wanna be perfect so fucking bad. 

I hate my sister. We were eating dinner and she was watching me like a hawk. So I went to the bathroom to wait until she left. As I sat there in silence, I heard her and my dad: "She thinks shes fat." "She's going anorexic." As if I were deaf. But sure enough they left, and I proceeded to throw my dinner away. Five minutes later she came down again, yelling at me for not eating enough. She knew that I threw it away. She knows that I hate myself...

But why cant she leave me alone?

 

My sister worries. My friends ask questions. I use that as an excuse to eat. I gain six pounds. All my hard work. My blood, sweat, and tears. Gone, in my own self pity. I will return. I will reach my goal. Even if it kills me. Because if I cant feel my spine stabbing into the chair as I sit, or my collarbone potruding from my chest... 

I don't want to feel at all.