It's quite nostalgic, being here again.
A lot has happened, but none of that really matters I suppose.
All that matters is that I'm back where I was.
But fatter.
After being admitted at 102, I began recovery.
I don't even want to check the scales.
In any case, I am going to go down this path again.
Wish me luck.

i cant do this anymore.
i cant stop throwing up.
i cant stop counting calories.
i cant stop checking my scale...

i am forced to drink nutrition shakes in front of my dad twice a day.
he sniffs the toilet every time i use the restroom to make sure i dont throw up.
i am in hell.

i weigh 115lbs now.

i feel like a fat ass though...

i hate myself now.
i hate this obsession...
i'd rather be dead.
i cant carry out a single fucking conversation with my family without talk of my fucking disorder.

i'm going to the doctor next monday.
there, my dad is sending me to a nutritionist and a therapist.
they cant help me.
no one can...

someone... please help me...

I hate her.

ihateherihateherihateher....

She always watches me eat.

I trick her, but she is so fucking annoying.

I wish she would just move out already.

Altogether crappy day.

Tomorrow's Easter UGGGH.

Good day. I think.

I want new clothes.

Any of you having the "too-big" crisis?

All of my shorts are currently falling to my ankles.

I hate it, but love it all the same.  

<3 

 

If you are reading this...

then you are beautiful.

Today I thought about my best friend...

She used to always come up to me and tell me "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" and hug me in her fragile little arms. 

I had never even thought about eating disorders then.

She made me feel PRETTY.

God, you better treat her her like a fucking princess.

Cuz the world needs more people who aren't afraid to tell someone that they are 

beautiful

Now that she's gone;

- I miss the days when two simple words were all it took to make me happy.

- I wish I could have told her that she was beautiful.

- I wish I could have been as pure and sweet as she had been...

 I guess you never really know what you've got til it's gone. 

 

Today has been okay.

I think.

 

IN:

breakfast 

Green Tea & a small bowl of cereal. 

*didn't actually eat most of the cereal. flushed it.

lunch

A banana & more tea.

*couldn't finish the banana.

dinner

A delicious egg white & spinach salad w/ light raspberry vinegrette. Mmmm.

*about a cup.

snacks

2 mints.

OUT:

Intense Just Sweat Program on Just Dance.

*2000+ sweat points. that's a little over 400 cal. 

15 minutes of treading. Then it started hailing...

*WTF?

annnd I'm getting ready to go do my ab workouts.

Then have some tea...

<3 

 

I'm doing better. Sorry for the recent posts!

I have found a new obsession with brewing some good ol' natural Green Tea. It increases my metabolism and is 0 cal! Love It.

Shedding off the lbs I gained during recovery. I'll be back soon!

  

Now, I need a plan to get down to 120...

I guess staying below 400 a day will get me there, considering I do at least 30-60 minutes of cardio on weekdays...

So, my days will go like this:

[In] 

Breakfast: Green Tea and a fruit or an egg. Maybe a healthy bowl a cereal. Yummy. (70-120 cal)

Lunch: Fruit. Don't really have a choice there. (80-100 cal)

After school: More Green Tea~ (0 cal)

Dinner: 1/2 a can of tuna. I love tuna. And maybe some Spinach. (80-140 cal? Not sure...)

Then more tea. (0) 

[Out] 

3-5 laps across my lake = 30-60 minutes of treading.

OR

45 minute bike ride.

OR

45 minute jog.

OR 

Something else. XD 

(ab workouts) 

50-100 crunches.

25-50 reverse sit ups.

60-120 seconds of plank.

60 seconds of superman.

30 ab thrusts.

60 seconds of wall-sits. (I hate these. Hurt like a mother!) 

This is just my little plan... Yes, it does sound nutrient deficient, but I am taking supplements to make sure that I get everything! 

So, If you have any suggestions, please, do tell! 

I fail at life.

My parents sent me to a therapist aboput my eating disorder.

My boyfriend has been forcing me to eat.

My sister wont leave me alone...

Then I had a breakthrough.

I released myself from Ana. 

I thought;

"Hey, I'm beautiful. I shouldn't have to worry about what I eat!" 

I let them force - feed me.

They thought I recovered. 

 I did too.

Then my best friend started talking about skinny girls and how pretty they were.

I relasped.

This madness will never end. 

I'm going to gain control again.

Even if it kills me.

 

I hate eating.

This morning I made two eggs but tossed one, then ate an apple and went to school.

At school I had another apple, followed by some of my trusty almonds. 

When I got home my sister made me eat a Fiber One Bar while she watched to make sure I ate every bit. 

After swimming, she made me a spinach salad with raspberry walnut vinaigrette and shrimp.

And then a banana. 

The end. 

That maxes me out at like, I don't know, a lot. 

I feel sickly full...

Even my best friend confronted me about my disorder...

This is hard.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore... 

I need inspiration.

i need help.

Had to increase my intake. I was so dizzy yesterday, because I burned more than I ate. I've lost nearly 15 pounds in a week. That's dangerous. So, I ate 305 for breakfast so far (ah I know!) But that was just an egg, a banana, an orange, and a few almonds. No biggy. Besides, I eat the most in the morning anyway! My lunch consists of an apple and my dinner consists of... (unknown)

Why did I eat so much? My dad caught me eating just one egg and got pissed. He told me to eat a orange and a banana, so I did. He says we cant afford to hospitalize me.

I'll burn my breakfast off when I get home from testing.

Love you all,

Lonely. Dizzy. Tired. Stressed...

Thankyou to everyone who is following/commenting.

I really appreciate it!

 I try to follow those who follow me, so if you're following me and I'm not following you, please tell me!

I love you all so much. 

Time for sleep.

<3

I weighed in at 127. That gives me a BMI of 19.2. YAAAY! I broke the plateau! I looked in the mirror and did a double take this morning.

I still look too fat.

I have until May 21 to get to 120...

42 days to lose 7 lbs. Easy.

I read americaneaglelove's blog and was inspired to copy her idea and make 2 lists, one about my positive traits, one about my negative traits.

*FIVE THINGS I LOVE

one. 

My amazing boyfriend, who is so supportive and sweet.

two. 

My height; I appreciate my height, it makes me unique. 
three. 

My artistic talent. My best friend and I are starting a graphic novel soon. It's fantasy, but oh so amazing.

four. 

My dedication. If I start something, damn straight I'm going to finish it. 
five. 

My hair. Although I am punishing it because I am losing so much weight, I still love how long and bipolar it is.

*FIVE THINGS I HATE

one. 

My eyes.
two.

My stomach.

three. 

My lies.
four.

My sickness.
five.

My body image.

You should try this too. (: 

Today was uneventful.

<rant> 

I was woken at 5:30 to my dad storming into my room to find the dogs leash. ...I don't quite understand why... After about 20 minutes I managed to get back to sleep, only to be woken AGAIN by my sister who was looking for a calculator... on a Saturday morning... at 7 am...

WTF?!

That was a lovely awakening.

And, because I am still sick, I couldn't get back to sleep. 

Well, later, my mom took my sister and I shopping. Because I haven't been clothes shopping since I was 145lb, everything was too big on me and my shorts refused to stay up. My sister snapped at me, calling me "disgustingly thin".

There is nothing disgusting about being thin. Being thin is being able to have the willpower to control your image.

I personally think that bones are   b e a u t i f u l .

After shopping and buying foods that I am positive I will never eat, I went home and swam. It felt good, but my best friends mom was staring at me the whole time. After I did about a mile and a half, (woot!) we went inside, where my friends mom took a look at me and shoved a rice cracker in my face and told me to try it. About 4 other people were speculating so I reluctantly ate it. 

Again, I don't understand why people think that forcing someone to eat will 'cure' their eating disorder...

 When I got home, I realised that someone had eaten my spinach... And I cried, because I knew that my dinner was gone, and that I wouldn't eat tonight.

Do any of you ever get emotional about food if something doesn't go right?

</endrant>

In other news, My calorie sum was less than 400 again today, and I think I have finally reached the 120's...

To liven up this entry, here are three random facts:

-My mom and grandma are clinically obese.

-I have 4 pet turtles.

-I love paranormal shows; Ghost Adventures and The Haunted are AWESOME.

S t a y   S t r o n g ,

Today has been okay. Intake was less than 400 forsure...

And I did hardcore treading for abour 45 minutes. 

Still sick...

My sister made pizza for dinner. I was planning on just eating a cup of blueberries... So, when the pizza was ready, I cut a piece and threw it away. Then sat down and continued what I was doing. My sister believed that I ate a peice. About 20 minutes later I sat down with my sister and dad. They were both staring at me. I ignored them. Then my sister said, "You need to eat that last peice of pizza. You look like you are starving.", to which my dad agreed. I shook my head and insisted I was full. They didn't let up, and told me to eat a apple, (which I secretly didn't finish.) At least thats better than eating a 370 cal peice of pizza. *shudders*

But it bothers me how people think that an eating disorder can be resolved by forcing someone to eat. It's not about food. It was never about food. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

I want control.

Coz want to be able to decide my own fate...
I don't want to be a puppet any longer...
Maybe this control will make me stronger.

Well, not much else is new... sorry for the boring entry.

(:

Ate too much. At least all of it was healthy or high in fiber. I purged once, but since I'm sick, I nearly passed out. Not a good idea...

Being sick sucks... Most boring day of my life.

 I'll make a recovery. I can do this. My plateau has been 130 for two weeks and goddammit I'm going to break it!

But I feel bad. My boyfriend really wanted to see a play with me today. But I was sick... And I didn't even return his phonecall. I haven't spent time with him in over 2 1/2 weeks, so now I feel like a shitty girlfriend. Uhg.

Oh yeah, and I tried on my prom dress tonight. It looks good on me. 

</end rant>

HALLS is my new best friend. 

They are, by far, the most disgusting cough drops I have ever tasted. After eating one, I still have that horrid aftertaste, and I resist any bingeing. It's AMAZING. This works especially well if you are sick like me.

Why am I sick? 

From swimming in 40 degree water for almost an hour...

Well, anyway, when you are home sick, aren't you always tempted to binge? I was downstairs, just sitting there, surrounded by food... and it's not like I have anything to do... So, after trying to have a healthy breakfast, (egg and a eggwhite, apple, strawberry, and 3 almonds) I nearly binged, but popped a HALLS in my mouth and everything was cool.

Anyway, just thought that I would share this epiphany with the world.

Have a nice day. <3

 

I hate being sick. 

I hate coughing in church during silent prayer. 

I hate when people touch my ears. 

I hate when people stare at my chest all class long... 

But I LOVE bones. 

My clothes seem bigger. My sister noticed that her shorts are now too big for me, when we were the same size about a month ago. Not good... The problem is... I don't feel any lighter, nor do I look any better. Does anyone else ever feel like that? Well, I swim (hardcore treading) an average of 60-120 minutes a day and eat 100 cal meals 3 times a day along with fruity/vegetably treats. I'd say I maxed out at about 420 today... but on the other hand, I burned about that much.

I can't wait till I see results ! 

Last night I had a terrifying dream. I was being attacked by little skeletal beasts. I jolted awake at 6:50 and couldn't get back to sleep. I cried a little. Checked the scale and I'm at 130 again. I think. My scale isn't very reliable anymore. I need to look at myself...Where ever I go, I see myself walking in the reflection of the glass. I pick out every flaw. Every portion of fat. My mangled stomach and prominent ribs/hips. I hate my cankles. I have a fat head/neck. Then I move along, keeping that horrible image in my head. Am I the only person who does that? I also stare at legs when I walk in the hallway, comparing sizes to my own. I'll look at someone and say in my head, "I'm fatter than her." Then I continue forward with a dark look on my face. My boyfriend says it looks like I hate myself. 

He got me spot on.

In fact, it's a little depressing. 

I don't even remember what I ate today, so I am going to list it here...

breakfast:

• 1 egg and a egg white
• 2 almonds
• 4 carrots
• 1 strawberry

lunch:

• 1 apple 
• 1 strawberry
• 4 carrots
• (well this isn't actually at once, just throughout the day) 4 cough drops, a mint, and a stick of gum 

dinner:

• salad with rasberry walnut vinegret and croutons
• 2 almonds
• banana 

Not exactly proud for eating so much... but did over an hour of swimming... so thats not too bad, considering I have small portion sizes.

I just wanna be perfect so fucking bad.